Hard Reboot ~ Rachel

I need a hard reboot. A lot of things have been happening in my life right now…nothing earth shattering (except maybe buying my wedding dress!) but enough to throw me off  my routine of meal planning, tracking food, healthy eating and exercising.

(1) The data manager for an international consortium of cancer research studies quit, unexpectedly, at the end of August. I had her job before she came along and since I’m now the only person around who knows anything about that data world, I am stuck with her job until a replacement is hired. This job sucks the life out of me. It involves constant emails, lots of disorganization, people thinking everything is an emergency and my mentor repeatedly telling me that I should not be very involved at all because I have a dissertation to write. Problem is, I don’t work that way. Everybody needs something and I can’t just ignore them. The whole system needs an overhaul and I’m the only one with a loud enough mouth about it. We have a big meeting next month in DC and guess what? Everyone wants to know the status of the database. Well…I keep finding out new things every day about the database and how things didn’t get done when everyone thought they were. If I was being paid to be the database manager full-time and that was my only commitment, I would be a rock star at it and I would actually enjoy the job. But I’m being told to practically ignore it while I have 100’s of emails knocking down my inbox. I cannot work that way! And do you know what happens because of this? I don’t work on my dissertation. Ugh.

(2) My personal trainer, Jenn, told me yesterday she is returning to auditing full-time and will no longer be training at my gym. Boooo! Today was my last session with her (sniff sniff). My next session is with Jana. Frankly, she scares the crap out of me. I’ve seen what she makes some of her clients do. I guess I should get ready for my ass to be handed to me. Jenn was maybe a little too nice but she still got the job done. I will miss her!

(3) I made a surprise trip up to Pittsburgh this past weekend with my aunt and cousin. We surprised my Mom and Grandma, who had no idea we were coming, and went wedding dress shopping! I was not intending to buy a dress since the wedding is a year away and I will hopefully be another 30-50lbs lighter by then. But my dress picked me and I couldn’t walk away from it! Anyways, a Thurs-Sun road trip is not too forgiving on my routine. It was soooo worth it, of course, but I think my little OCD self needs to learn how to jump back into routine rather than make it such a big deal. I have yet to go grocery shopping since I got back. Or plan a meal. Or actually cook something that didn’t involve the microwave or drive-thru. Eeeks.

(4) I missed my Weight Watcher’s meeting this Tuesday because my friend was having surgery to repair a torn meniscus and I was her person. Did I do work in the waiting room? No. Should I have? Um, yeah. Bad Rachel. (Leah, if you are reading this, you better not be feeling like this is a guilt trip…it’s my problem, not yours)

I get out of my routine and all hell breaks loose. If I don’t track my food, I don’t lose weight. If I don’t exercise regularly, I don’t usually eat healthy or track my food. If I have a ball and chain attached to my inbox because the emails never stop coming, I just get mad at everything and stop caring. All I want to do at that point is eat crappy food, watch tv and sleep. Heck, I even went clothes shopping yesterday in an effort to avoid my inbox. I hate shopping! I got some nice fall clothes though (I literally had only summer tops in my closet except for a couple of sweaters and sweatshirts).

Sorry for the rant. I think I needed to pound all that out on the keyboard to release some of this tension. My frustrations really are only about the data management stuff, not anything else. The other things are just my excuses for getting off routine. Excuses. I need to stop using excuses.

I need my routine back. I need my inbox to stop blowing up. I need to track all my food. I need to meal plan. I need to exercise 4-5 days/week.  I need to work on my dissertation and get it DONE once and for all.

I need a restart button!

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  • Stacie  On October 7, 2010 at 9:44 am

    First, I’m so glad you are back to posting. I really look forward to reading your blog.

    Next, BREATHE! One thing at a time. Start with the eating — it’s the easiest thing to change that doesn’t really take a lot more time. You probably can’t change the work (which impacts the gym time) but you can focus on the eating. You know how to do this. One small change — tracking what you eat for just today. Writing one paragraph or one sentence in that dissertation.

    You can do it, Rachel. Remember, YOU are a priority.

  • Shelley B  On October 7, 2010 at 6:32 pm

    Ugh – it sounds like work is beyond crazy. That’s hard enough, but adding things like a dissertation and wedding planning and diet and exercise and you definitely end up overwhelmed. Hope you feel a little better having typed this all out; and I agree with Staci – start with one thing. You’ll get through this. Hugs to you.

  • Chris  On October 7, 2010 at 6:48 pm

    You have your head on straight, you know what to do, and you have a great support system in your friends, I can tell. You will do it. No looking back, look ahead.

  • Whitney  On October 8, 2010 at 9:30 am

    Sounds like you are overwhelmed and things are feeling out of control. It’s perfectly fine to fall into a chaotic pattern right now given all of the things you have mentioned going on in your life. The best, is that you recognize that these things are happening and what you need to do about them. That in and of itself requires great strength and courage.

    It also sounds like some boundaries may need to be put in place with regards to the database and you may need to enlist some people to help you place those boundaries. The one thing I learned about CCPD is that the more competent you are and the more work you do, the more gets thrown at you and the more is expected of you.

    I can help you with the exercise part if you need help with that. I promise I wont hand your ass on a platter to you on the first day 🙂

  • Marsial2010  On October 11, 2010 at 7:27 am

    You are so right on about wanting your routine back. I keep reading posts (mine included) from posters who are in danger of falling off track because their routines are compromised. There must be something about the way our brains work that crave that sense of order that comes from routine. All day yesterday I thought about why I seem to be having such a difficult time being stuck at the same weight for the past month, and I realized that I have felt very nervous about my routine being continually jeopardized. Today, I awoke feeling very determined to lose that pound or two necessary to reach my next “goal.” I pictured myself getting in extra miles on the treadmill, counting calories, taking a nap — really pampering myself. Then my husband asked me to complete some work for him that will take most of the day. Ugh! However, I made it clear that I am putting my exercise first. Still, his needs hang over my head like Damocles’ sword. Makes me want to eat an entire cheesecake and veg-out on the sofa watching movies. But I won’t.

  • Biz  On October 12, 2010 at 11:38 am

    First off – hooray on getting your wedding dress! That’s one less thing to worry about, even if the wedding isn’t until next year.

    Sorry work is so frustrating – I too like to be busy, but not crazy busy where I don’t have control of what I am doing.

    And I am the same way – I have to do both eating well and exercise – there have been times where I’ve exercised, and eaten fast food, and other times when I eat great and don’t exercise. I KNOW I need to do both at the same time, otherwise I’ll just maintain.

    Sending hugs your way!

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